An Introduction to Twelve Bottles

Every year on Christmas Eve Eve, a few friends of mine get together to celebrate Lesbian Christmas. Now despite what you may think, this is not the one day of the year that we forget all of our inhibitions and have an all-out orgy (believe me, this disappoints me too). In fact, I'm fairly sure Lesbian Christmas has never actually been attended by a real lesbian and there seems to be an awful lot of penis involved. That being said, this Christmas just past seems to have come closest to the essence of lesbianism, with our hosts' female dog Stella developing a taste for my inner thighs.

Moving away from its humble beginnings in an Erskineville share house inhabited by my favourite inter-racial couple Steph and Garth (have cute kids already would you. I need something to poke), Lesbian Christmas 2010 was hosted by 'Clayson' in their highly enviable and trendy Surry Hills terrace.

To rival last year's Duckencock (the younger, more attractive sister of the Turducken), and thanks to an amazing kitchen with two, yes TWO ovens, Jason managed to rustle up a mighty meatcake (see Figure 1.1). An iron deficient's dream dessert, it stood as a four-tiered Fuck You to vegetarians and poor people.

Figure 1.1. Mighty Meatcake

Beef, check. Gravy, check. Pork, check. Apple sauce, check. Chicken, check. Cranberry Sauce, check. Turkey, check. Mashed potato icing, check. Both gluten AND dairy free? Priceless.

Figure 1.2. Inner workings of Meatcake revealed

I consumed enough meat in one sitting to ensure survival until next Lesbian Christmas' Fondue-B-Q, anticipated to be a range of barbecued meats with a gravy fondue fountain.

Now to the guts of the evening and the reason for this blog. Following Christmas dinner it's tradition for the guests to exchange Kris Kringle presents. Opening mine, I discovered 12 small corked bottles with hand-drawn labels and the following instructions:

Figure 1.3. A cryptic note

Knowing my love for food and all things unusual, my KK had filled each bottle with weird and wonderful ingredients, some I'd never seen before and others I'd never even heard of. And so begins my journey, to use one ingredient a month for the next 12 months. Also thought I would take you all along for the ride, making it an interactive experience (some of you will get to taste my concoctions along the way) and one that I'm actually accountable for. And also because I thought I could make something hilarious out of what is possibly the most thoughtful and touching gift I've ever received. So I dedicate this blog to Jason, who is one of my favourite people, not least because he always falls asleep whilst laughing, like so:

Happy New Year all!!